Saga my Ass......

I sit quietly in the crowded theater, hoping my buzz will hold up. I was one of the lucky 400 in the theater for an advanced screening of the latest installment of "The Twilight SAGA". Not series, not trilogy, not sequel....... a SAGA. Well, not to give away my thoughts on the film too early, but this steaming pile of shit is called "New Moon".

For those of you who are not married, in a commited relationship, gay, or mormon, let me give you the rundown on the saga. The Twilight Saga is, for the most part, about this flat chested girl named Bella. Her parents are divorced (tear...), and she has just moved to some shit town in the mountains or something. Her Dad is the local, bumbling town sheriff. You know,the kind of Dad that is nice, but stupid enough not to notice his daughter is nailing a Vampire. WHOOPS!!!!! Sorry, should've given you guys a spoiler alert!!!!

The Vampire is this 109 year old named Edward. I'm not sure what person plays Edward in the movie, but it looks like Kate Moss, or any other bony, nasty chick from a perfume commercial. He is a part of this big, happy Vampire Family. They all live together in a mansion (of course, all vampires are rich!!!!!), and they move from town to town to keep there vampireness on the down low, you know.

These vampires are special though.....They don't kill people. They're GOOD vampires. They want to help us. They love us. They would never hurt us. BARF!!!!!

Call me narrow minded. Call me ignorant. Call me whatever you want. I DON"T WANT TO WATCH A VAMPIRE MOVIE WHERE NOBODY GETS KILLED BY A VAMPIRE!!!!!! There is a distinct possibility somebody did, it could've been one of the points where I was noisily sighing, nodding off, or elbowing my wife and asking her how much longer I would have to endure this dogshit film.

There's something else though people........There's another very important character in this SAGA. Oh yeah bitches, here comes JACOB!!!!

Look, I knew the story coming in. When my wife was reading the books, she told me all about it. She was going on and on about Team Edward, and Team Jacob. I honestly thought that she came up with that idea. I was wrong. Before the movie started, a woman with a mega phone asked everybody, "Who's a member of Team Edward!!!!!". After a bunch of woman screamed she yelled, "Now who's a member of Team Jacob!!!!". If I was a man at all, I would've grabbed the megaphone from her and screamed,"Who's on team HeteroSexual Male??? Great!!!! Let's get the hell out of here and go to the bar!!! There'a an NFL game on for Christ's Sake!!!!"

Jacob is this Indian kid (Feathers, not dots) with long ass hair. I was actually way more attracted to him them Bella. He had a bigger rack, and nicer teeth and hair. This fucker must drink a lot milk, or take a ton of calcium supplements. Well, he likes Bella too, but typical Woman......She wants the guy that totally bailed on her and treated her like shit.

Bella starts to like Jacob, but you know, just like a friend. This pisses Jacob off real bad, so he disapears for a few months. Turns out that while he's gone, he turned into a dog. Oh, i'm sorry... A WEREWOLF.

Guess what though???? He's a GOOD werewolf. He's protecting us from all of those asshole Vampires. Man, this shit is confusing!!!!!!

Well, a bunch of stupid shit happens and the movie ends. FINALLY.

If I had to think of a cool catchphrase to some up my overall experience, i'd say," New Moon is a MONSTER piece of shit!" At the end of the day, it's 2 hours of my life I will NEVER get back.

Bella and Edward are getting married in the next one. I'm sure it will be great....

At least Jacob can lick himself.....