It's my turn...

Ok, this was not my idea. For some crazy reason, Travis (Travy to me) asked me to make a guest appearance of his blog. He thinks it would be funny if I wrote about my point of view about what happens in my day.

6:00 am: Trav's alarm goes off. He doesn't hear it for the first minute it is vibrating on his nightstand so I elbow him repeatedly. He wakes up and reaches over and turns it off. It's then I notice he has morning wood. When he turns toward me to attempt try and cuddle, I tell him that his breath stinks like chinese food left in our fridge for 3 days.

6:10 am: Ok...so we at least cuddle. I'm not a "let's have sex person" in the morning. I need some toothpaste and listerine. I'm sure some men are cursing me now. Yeah, like the first thing women think about in the morning is sex. This I know is the basic difference between men and women. Women liked to be wined and dined. Let's put some deodorant on and have a shower first, ok???

6:30 am: Travy has finished his shower. He's all clean (for now) and asked where his clean clothes are. Ummmmm...your pants are hanging up, your shirts are in the closet, and your underwear is in the blue (yes, it has to be Dodger blue) bin. Do I need to lay them out for you like it's your first day of school??

6:45 am: TJ is awake. Yes, Travy gets TJ up most days when he doesn't leave work too early. I'm sure the antifungal meds he is on leaves a nice big dump for Trav to clean. Nice work, TJ.

7:00 am: Barney is on. Coffee with vanilla creamer. I make Travy his lunch. Roast beef and cheese wrapped in a tortilla with ranch dressing. I give him a string cheese and try to get him to take a banana. Getting him to eat better is a waste of time, I know he will drive through Burger King to get a whopper later in the day.

7:15 am: Daddy is gone and the work starts. Feed kids breakfast. Of course they don't want the same thing. Ava wants oatmeal. TJ will eat a bagel with cream cheese, cereal, yogurt, and mango.

7:30 am: Get kids dressed and make lunch for TJ. Ava is a pain in my ass. She wants to wear her black legging, brown Ugg boots, and a hot pink shirt. I tell her that she can't go out in public wearing colors that don't match. She doesn't care and throws a tantrum. I finally bribe her into wearing something that I can bring her into public and not have to explain to people that she is color blind.

8:30 am: Attempt to get kids into car and take TJ to school. Special Agent Oso is on so of course they are not willing to budge. I forcefully have to pull TJ to take a pee in the potty so he doesn't piss in the car..and I bribe Ava by asking her to check to see if all the doors are locked. (And when I do this, Trav gives me crap saying that I'm giving her OCD).

9:10 am: Yeah...we are late dropping TJ off at school. His music therapist and I are tight so I hope she doesn't judge me that I am constantly late. Say goodbye to T man and tell him I love him.

9:30 am: Off to Target...Gosh, I love Target. Who doesn't??? I could spend all day there and buy everything. From pantry items to garden tools to organizational crap, I love me some Target. I even get wrapped up in the holiday items, for some reason I feel it necessary to buy hand towels and wreaths for every holiday.

10:30 am: We are home. Ava is watching Alice in Wonderland (or any other new Disney movie she is into for now) and I am cleaning. WOW...are you kidding? This is what boggles me about men. They just piss every where. I don't know how shit and piss can end up all over the toilet and seat, but it does. The floor isn't much better. I hand towel the floor with antibacterial wipes and then let the Swiffer do the rest. Men need better aim. You'd think they would be more like archery pros, but they still have terrible aim after 35 years.

11:00 am: Laundry. I love doing my kid's laundry. It's so easy. You throw it in, the
clothes are small...but Travy's??? Not so much! He still has shit stains on his underwear. I remember one time when we were first married, after the first load of laundry I did for him. I asked him why he has skid marks and he said it's because "he fart's alot". Ummm, NO! It's because you don't wipe effectively! Think about it, women wear G-strings all day and stay clean!!

11:30 am: I text Trav when he is going to be home. He says he doesn't know. Ain't that a "B"?? It's times like these when I wished he would have a normal 9 to 5 job so I can expect him when to be home. But I guess I really should be happy that he just has a job.


12:00 pm: I feed Ava lunch. She doesn't want anything to eat, but she requested a donut. I tell her that she is lucky she can eat a donut and not gain any weight. Finally she is convinced that it nap time. (You didn't think I really fed her a donut, right?)

12:30 pm: WHOO HOO!!! It's my break time!!! You would think that I would watch something on TV, but that's not how it is. I bust out the latest workout dvd and get to it. Okay, so this is something that Travy gets pissed off at me. He thinks I buy too many workout dvds. In my defense, I get bored because I memorize them. And in an effort to not hear him bitch at me too much I say "OKAY, would you rather me be fat and ugly?" That shuts him up REAL fast.

2:30 pm: Shower, shave, lotion, blow dry, flat iron, make up. I get all dolled up with the pink eyeshadow he likes. I don't want to hear about how much he works and how I don't do anything all day. And in all honesty, who would want to come home to someone who wasn't put together and looking good? I can say that I wouldn't!!

3:00 pm: Go to pick up TJ. Hopefully he wan't too hyper and I don't have to constantly think of behaviour schedules in my head.

3:30 pm: Text Travy to see when he is coming home. Yeah, in all honesty..I bug the shit out of him all day to see when he is coming home.

4:00 pm: Get home...put away backpack and lunch bag. Enforce rule of putting away shoes and socks, that takes a long time. Give snack and let kiddos watch TV.

5:00 pm: Start cooking dinner. Ok, so Travis rules the menu. Why do men only want steak and potatoes??? I cook Travis some pork chops and make myself tortilla crusted tilapia with asparagus.

6:00 pm: We eat dinner as a family. TJ eats all of his dinner, Ava just asks for cookies, and Travis and I attempt to make conversation about our day.

6:30 pm: Dinner and cookie handout is completed. I have started to round up dishes and have started washing up. Kids have started bath ritual. Travy starts to dry hump my legs while I'm washing dishes, thinking this will please me. Yeah, this is a men's version of foreplay.

7:00 pm: Kids on the couch watching lame cartoon. TJ is the first to go to bed..Ava is the party animal and will stay up all night (just like her mama). Travis puts on ESPN just so she gets bored watching it enough to want to go to bed.

7:30 pm: Whoo hoo! Kids in bed and it's adult time! Wine and conversation commence!

7:45 pm: I have to listen about Travy's day. It's always something. Dish machine gone crazy, installation, some call that took him too long to fix. It NEVER ends.

8:00 pm: Adult TV time. Now, I'm sure you all who read this blog think that Travy wears the pants in the family. Well, your right. Especially when it comes to the remote. It's all about what the man wants to watch. It's all about LOST and sports, don't get me started about the Dodgers.

8:40 pm: I tell Travy that I want to take Ballroom dancing lessons. He looks at me like I'm a freak show and says that I would have to remove his balls if he ever set foot in a dance studio. I tell him that Edward would take Ballroom dance lessons with me. He retorts that Edward is a fag. I explain that Edward is a romantic and that he would take the garbage out and put his dirty clothes in the hamper without me bitching about it. He asks me if I want a scrawny pale fag to be my husband. I let him think he's won this round. Don't think I won't bring up Edward again....

9:00 pm: Travy and I chat about our day. Today, I went out to lunch with some people. A certain someone told me that I looked liked Lady Gaga. I had to tell Travy about this situation and he said "Well, you are much better looking that her." And I said back to him, "You mean, without the penis"? Praise Jesus I'm not really a hermaphrodite. I promise you people I only have a vagina.

10:00 pm: No more wine, it's bedtime.

10:01 pm: Yeah, Trisha...it's only a minute.

10:02 pm: God bless my family and my friends.