I know I promised I wouldn't talk about my family (a rule which I seem to break with great regularity), but these children are killing me right now.
If you don't know about me, let me enlighten you.
I sell soap.
I fix Dish machines.
I am at the beckon call of 100 asshole GM's across the east valley of Phoenix, Arizona. It is a fucking grind.
All I want, is to come home, and enjoy some peaceful time with my family.
MOST nights, that is not in the cards.
TONIGHT, I was inches from Charles Manson.....
There's a lot of you who don't know my children.
Well let me introduce you!!!
TRAVIS JAMES LARSON JR.
AGE: 4
WEIGHT: 200 LBS.
HOBBIES: WHINING, ASKING FOR THOMAS THE TRAIN, ASKING FOR SIPPY CUPS, ASKING FOR SNACKS, SHITTING IN THE BATHTUB, USING ME AS A JUNGLE GYM, COUNTING TO 100.
AVA GRACE LARSON
AGE: 2
WEIGHT: 35 LBS.
HOBBIES: GENERAL BRATTINESS/COCKBLOCKING, TALKING TO THE BEAST AND GASTON (FROM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST DUMB SHITS) ON HER TOY CELLPHONE, WRAPPING HER STUFFED CAT LOLA IN A BLANKET, STOMPING HER FEET...
Normally, they split there time. I mean they each take turns pissing me off. That works out just fine with me. That way, I can love at least 1 of my children.
Than there is a night, where they both decide to be the poster children for abstinence. If I took a video of these demon children and posted it on YouTube....IT WOULD END TEEN PREGNANCY.............
I'm 35 years old and feel totally powerless against their wrath.
For those of you who are single, married, whatever......
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY......
Don't have children.
Give me 5 bucks and you can have mine!
They are not disfigured.
They are reasonably healthy.
IT'S A FUCKING BARGAIN!!!!!!!!!
People spend tens of thousands of dollars on In Vitro, Fertility Drugs, Adoption, the Black Market....
WELL I'M SLASHING PRICES HERE PEOPLE!!!!!!!
5 DOLLARS!!!!!!!!
$2.50 per hellion!!!!!
THINGS YOU CAN BUY WITH 5 BUCKS.....
VALUE MEAL AT MCDONALD'S
4 PACKS OF GUM
A SMALL ROCK OF CRACK
2 RED BULLS
A FUCKING CONDOM!!!!!!!!!
Think about it........
This can be yours...... for 5 bucks.....
OK, OK, OK.....
Maybe $49.99.....
Eat Me....
Dude...all I have to say is: You wanted TJ to talk. I delivered.
ReplyDeleteOh and you were worried about Ava too and wanted her to talk and now she does. Though that wasn't me.
So that's all I have to say. Be careful what you wish for.
Ummm...kinda know how you feel. EXCEPT, I have days where I would pay someone to take my children from me!!! Send yours over...I enjoy the foot stopping, requests for juice, Thomas the Train, etc. At least one of us would get some peace.
ReplyDeleteOh...and I would totally buy your kids!!! 50 bucks?
ReplyDeleteHold on TJ and Ava Grandma will be there next week to save you guys. Trust me Trav, when they are grown and out of the house and all you here is the sound of Fox News you will long for these days again.
ReplyDelete