2009 Candles

Hi everybody...
It's me......Jesus....
Don't be afraid, I bring good tidings, but there is something that has been irritating me a little bit.
Have you ever seen the movie Sixteen Candles? Yeah, the one where everyone forgets that lesbians birthday, but some charming football player still wants to nail her? Well, I feel the same way. You're all wrapped up in the Christmas season and every year you forget.....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY JERK.......
They should make a movie about me. Hopefully that psycho Mel Gibson won't direct it again. I would like to call it 2009 CANDLES.
Well anyways, I thought instead of being all coy, and meek about it (like that dike Molly Ringwald), I'd be bold and just come out with it. I've made a birthday list for you guys. That way, you will know exactly what to get for me on MY birthday.

1. Some New Sandals

Seriously, these old Birkenstocks are getting a little worn after 2000 years. Hook me up with some Reefs, or Rainbows.

2. A new Beige Tunic

Preferably one with a pocket. That way when I'm rocking out to Stryper, Amy Grant, or U2 (just the old stuff, anything before Zooropa), I got a place to keep my IPod. You can have someone in the know weave it out of hemp. Yeah, I put that stuff on the earth to make clothes and paper, not to smoke, freakin' hippies........

3. Beard Trimmer

I'll take the Norelco.... I don't use Gilette anymore after Tiger broke one of my Commandments.

4. A BIG tube of NeoSporin

I was nailed to a CROSS for you ungrateful turds....The least you can do is hook me up with some medicated ointment to make my wounds heal a little better...

5. A Nintendo WII

Cuz they rule.....

6. Lay off the blacks and gays

Don't believe all of that crap you read in the Bible (which was translated by white, racist pricks in the middle ages), I love all people, even if they like it in the can... I blessed Blacks with better rhythm, senses of humor and athletic ability for a reason whitey's...

7. Your heart and soul....

I'm not playin'.. Give your life to me, and reap the benefits!!!!

Look people...Christmas is great....It wouldn't be a blip on the radar without me though. My Dad made all of you different, cuz he thought it would make your lives more interesting. He didn't think you would be killing each other!!!!!! Take a lttle advice from me and CHILL OUT!!!!!
Well, I'm done preaching to you.. I'm going to go lay out, it's 80 degrees with a breeze up here EVERY DAY....
I love you all...DUH...I DIED FOR YOU!!!! Now hook me up with something!!!!
Jesus Christ
A.K.A Jizzle Chrizzle Fo Shizzle